A is for Anger

What is Anger?

Lets go over the dictionary definition of it.

Definition of anger

1: a strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism
You could hear the anger in his voice.
  • She found it hard to control her anger.
2: rage 2

My version of it? An uncontrolled emotion that when its not checked can breed a wildfire of shit.

Anyone who knows me in my personal life knows I have a bad temper. Sometimes so bad to the point I avoid people so I dont lash out. Now I know some people would say “That’s good. You are filtering and controlling it.” No. No I’m not.

I get angry about things that some people find stupid or irrelevant to them. I remember things and they get me angry. I feel things and get angry. I let people who shouldn’t “matter” say things to upset me and its hard to shake it off.

Why?

Because I like being angry.

Because I like the feeling of rage.

Because I want to hate the world and everyone in it.

Simply because…I care.

My stepfather says “Not everyone is going to like you.” and hes right. Not everyone is going to like me. Shit, YOU, the person reading this MAY NOT LIKE ME.

I started this blog or whatever you want to call it to write down things that pop into my head and for my depression, anxiety and other things I’ll get into as I keep writing.
And for days since my last post I didn’t know what to write or how to write it. Then I thought. Why write to please others? I got upset that sometimes we put on this mask for the internet and people in our daily lives because we are afraid to get angry, depressed, sad or maybe just happy about the little things. Some people who read these things aren’t going to like what I write. Others will read it and maybe reflect. Some will like my poems too.

What made you angry today?

I was betrayed and degraded by someone who thought they deserved the title of “Best Friend”. Anyone I’ve ever given that title to (4 women total) have done nothing but prove that the higher the walls, the safer you are from the bullshit outside them. I’m angry that when she did what she did, the people who are supposed to support me and have my back in situations where I need them, didn’t. I’m angry because I allowed this to happen to me. You may not think I did but I do. I should have known but didn’t. I was alone for so long that I decided maybe I should give people another chance. I am angry that I allowed people to say and do things to get me to the point of depression…

I don’t like this feeling of anger…

It makes me disgusted with how the causes and effects of Anger can make or break a person’s day…

Love is..

I knew exactly who love was…

In my freshman year of high school.

Love was involved in gangs

Love sagged his pants

Love was the reason I cut class or lied to my parents

Love was ugly to others but perfect to me.

When Love told me he loved me I didn’t realize he means I am ready to be inconsistent with you now.

When a boy tells you he loves you

Know the difference between I love you and I lust you.

I didn’t.

So when Love finally showed up

He was the guy I never payed attention to

The nerd who wore clothes too big to fit him, too respectful.

But Love was every 90s love song on my playlist and then some.

His breath, waiting to be folded into a love note passed between the center of my forehead and his lips.

When I tried to kiss Love our teeth got in the way.

Love didn’t even know how to text.

Love would sit with me alone and watch me read

He would say “You’re beautiful.”

He was patient with me and would answer the questions I asked with “Have you ever”

Where people would laugh at me

Love smiles.

Then Love disappeared.

Love stayed away for years and I barely recognized him when he reappeared.

Love smelled different now

A broader back with things I over looked before

Scars from battles won

Darker eyes that still had the glint of kindness and playfulness

Love matured

Love left as Simba and returned as Mufasa

Love didn’t mind the opinion of sheep

His roar was something to behold

He was now a protector.

But he’s still human,

Love cries,

Love laughs,

Love still likes music and is still my favorite playlist from Boys 2 Men to Luther Vandross.

I waited for Love.

Love is not who you were expecting.

Love is not something you can predict

Maybe love is in New York

Or Cali, Texas, Japan, Arizona, Hawaii

Maybe Love is always in the wrong time zone

Love may not be ready for you

You may not be ready for Love

Love arrives exactly when it’s supposed to.

Trust me, I know…

Have you ever had that feeling like no matter what you do, it’s not good enough for people? Like the more you do the less credit you get for it? I feel that way everyday

I won’t lie…there have been sometimes when I’m sitting here trying my ass off to accomplish the goals I have set for my life and here comes people with the negativity and crap. My mother tells me, “Perception is everything.Sometimes I believe her when she says that. I can understand the concept that if all a person sees is you being lazy and not doing anything then that’s what their opinion of you will be.

But what about the times where they are wrong?

Do we still judge? Do we still come up with these opinions just because we don’t see a person doing something? If so…what do you do when the person proves you wrong? Do we still hold on to the notion of “Well I didn’t see you working so the work was never done!” When the paperwork, the blood, the sweat and tears are right in your face?

And then let’s say your words hurt the person…do you apologize?

I wish someone could answer those questions for me…